You know the part of Alice In Wonderland where she winds up in, well…Wonderland & she’s all confused & scared & worried & anxious & sad & she doesn’t quite know how she ended up there? That’s me right now. Today I sent my baby…my youngest & final child off to Kindergarten & I can’t quite figure out how I got here so fast.
As I sat here & looked around my empty, quiet house, I felt like Alice. Everything looks & feels strange. Like I’m in a foreign land all of a sudden. And before you start wondering if I’ve ever had a day to myself, I have. Emma, that’s the baby, went to preschool–usually half days a few times a week but she went. And it was no secret that I kept her home some days (ok, a shit ton of days) so that I could enjoy the Mommy & Me time. But now with Kindergarten it’s different. Now she’s in school-school. I can’t just keep her home any time I want. Absences count against her. From here on out, school is like a rule or law or something.
It’s always been there in the back of my mind, once Kindergarten starts that’s it. But both my kids are now full time students, with buses & backpacks & subjects & specials (gym, art, library). I knew this day was coming, but damn it’s still sad. They aren’t home with me full time anymore…either of them. That’s done. Over. Passed.
I’ve been a stay at home mom since my oldest was born, so now what? Is that done too? Have I finished my tour of duty as full-time Mom? I’ll be honest, I’m not ready. My kids may be growing up, but I’m still in my infancy stages of being a Mom. I still want to snuggle on the couch & watch cartoons. I still want to wipe their messy faces & help them bathe. Brush their hair, help get them dressed. Play outside in the middle of the afternoon or take a mid morning walk while everyone else’s kids are at school.
I suppose what’s more important is that although I may not be ready, my kids are. I’ve spent all this time gearing them up, prepping them for this very moment &, like many things in motherhood, I forgot to worry about me & prepare myself better. But I am thankful that my kids have grown into these wonderful & smart & confident little ladies. There were no tears this morning at drop off. Well, no tears from the kids…I was a different story. A sad, soggy, sobbing story. But she was excited & so ready.
But here I am. A little over 2 hours into my first day in Wonderland. I suppose I could do some laundry or catch up on the DVR (I have stuff from months ago just waiting), or try & enjoy the quiet. Or I can just sit back & finally pat myself on the back for raising two beautiful kids.
Who knows, maybe I’ll start to get the hang of uninterrupted showers & getting through a cup of coffee without heating it up 9 times. I’ll let ya know.
