Baby fever. We all get it from time to time. That urge, that excitement, that feeling of “I want another one.” You grab your spouses arm, “Honey, look! Look at that cute little baby! Let’s have another one!” It happens, usually briefly, after seeing an adorable little baby. But it usually disappears as quickly as it came on. You see the cute baby, get all the feels, then continue about with your business and just like that, it’s gone. You’re over it. Not even thinking about it anymore. You’ve probably already forgotten all about that babbling little drool bag by now.
But what happens when it’s more than just baby fever? What happens when you & your signif other have already decided not to have anymore babies? What happens if you change your mind? And now you really want another baby? What happens now?
As most people already know, after having Miss Emma (Baby #2) I had really, really, really, bad post partum depression (I had it was Baby #1 as well, but nowhere near as bad). I was told by my doctors that if I had another baby I was pretty much guaranteed to have post partum again…and it would more than likely be WORSE this time. Apparently, post partum tends to intensify with each pregnancy. Of course there are precautions we could take. I was given 3 options. We could start me on a “safe” antidepressant during the third trimester (not so sure about this one) or I would be “fed” antidepressants the moment I delivered as a way to get in front of the demon & option #3, & this was the one my doctor strongly recommended, don’t have anymore children.
At the time, it was a no brainer. Option #3 of course. I never ever (ever ever ever ever ever) wanted to go through that shit again. I never wanted to feel that way again. No way in hell. We had 2 beautiful, healthy, beyond amazing kids. I thought I was good. Plus my husband is a bit older than me (he’d kill me if I told you his age, but the decade he is closest to is not 40). So we decided we weren’t going to have anymore kids…and he got a vasectomy.
So here we are about a year & a half post ball snip & I want another baby. It started as reoccurring baby fever. It started happening more & more, lasting longer & longer. I figured it was just a phase & it would eventually go away. But it hasn’t. In fact, it’s gotten worse. I have days where I can’t even see a baby without fighting back tears. And now that BOTH of my babies are in school full time, it sucks. Maybe I’m still just adjusting (heavily) to this change of no longer having my girls at home. Maybe it’s the thought that my stay at home mom days are done because well…no ones home during the day anymore. Whatever it is, I hate it.
I’m only 34 (in November). I love being a mom. I love babies. I love having a family. I beat post partum…twice, I can beat it a third time. Vasectomies can be reversed & I can assure you I’ve done ALL the research on this. My husband & I have talked about it. He’d love to have another baby…if he were younger & if he didn’t have to deal with the process of another invasive procedure…down there. And part of me gets it. But part of me also wants to throat punch him.
So how does one get over this? I can’t really be done with being a mom. And yes, I know I am nowhere near being done as a mom, my kids are 4 & 6…and a moms job is never done. But I’ll never be pregnant again. I’ll never go through the excitement of waiting for baby to arrive. And the thrill of bringing baby home for the first time. That newborn smell will never again be from my own baby. It’ll be from the friends/families brand new baby when I go see them for the first time. I’ll never have to set up a crib & nursery again. It was hard enough when we no longer had to buy diapers for the house anymore.
I find myself getting angry when I hear someone is pregnant. I should be happy, I know. And part of me is, I swear. Having a baby is amazing & I love that people get to experience the happiness that I’ve felt with my own two baby girls. But there is definitely a void. And I don’t know how to handle it. Not yet at least. I was so sure I was done…or so I thought. But man, making that decision is apparently a lot harder than I thought…and common. Just do a Google search.
So will this feeling go away? Or will I just carry this with me until I’m too old to even have babies? And no, it’s not just the “pregnancy part” I miss. Pregnancy was not good to me…either time. I had morning sickness from sun up until sun down all 9 months. I gained a ton of weight. I swell everywhere. And while most people have monthly, then bi-weekly, then weekly appointments, I basically had weekly appointments the entire time with stress tests, 24 hour urine catches, & lab work being done every single week starting at week 30 because of my blood pressure. Trust me, pregnancy sucks for me. So even with all that, why do I still want it?
Is this where I start adopting cat after cat, because I don’t like cats. We already got a puppy & the girls are getting a guinea pig for Christmas (shhh, don’t tell), maybe that will help a little? Maybe I should look into sperm donors. Hey, you never know. What I do know is that it goes by fast & normally I looooathe when people say that to me, but it’s true. So unbelievably true. So I’m just going to scoop up all the snuggles I can with my babies while they’re still small enough for my lap.
Then I’ll just adopt a bunch of dogs 😛
